Thrice Defied
by crazyidea-inc
Summary: James and Lily face and survive Voldemort three times. But at what cost? T for a smidge of language and some violence.
1. Close

"Go, go, go, go!" Remus shouted, shooting spells over his shoulder as they ran, a mob of Death Eaters at their heels. They launched themselves over mole hills and ditches, scrambling with legs flailing.

This was not how this patrol was supposed to go. They were supposed to do a quick check of the safe house just outside of Bristol and be home in time for supper. At least they were relatively well-matched against the scouting group of Death Eaters; they may have outnumbered them, but the Death Eaters didn't have James, Sirius, Benjy Fenwick, and herself.

"How far to the Portkey?" Lily gasped to James, who looked exhilarated, damn him. She, meanwhile, felt as if she were going to throw up her lungs.

"Not far," he managed to reply, ducking his head to avoid a purple jet of light. The enraged yells and howls of the Death Eaters behind them echoed weirdly in the field, making it seem as if they surrounded the little patrol group. Light flashed all around them; the spells were coming at a frenetic pace, whooshing past Lily's hair, grazing her legs. She felt one skim the top of her hand and shrieked, yanking her arm in.

"_Reducto!_" Sirius bellowed, twisting his torso around improbably to aim. An explosion sent dirt flying, the clods peppering their backs and catching in their hair.

"Nice one, Padfoot!" Remus called, shaking hair out of his face. Sirius grinned.

"Twas nothing!" he cried grandly, nearly tripping. Frustration began to coil tighter and tighter in Lily's chest.

"This isn't a game!" she yelled, heels sinking into the sod as she propelled herself forward. James, a good foot ahead of her, laughed.

"Aw, come on, Lily, we're fine, just a few more yards - "

"_This is not a game_!" Lily screamed again, terrified and enraged, her legs shaking with exertion. "Stop acting like stupid boys, you've got to focu - "

Something white hot and crackling with electricity zipped under her arm to catch James' leg.

He was thrown forward with a cry, tumbling over and over as if he were a rag doll.

"JAMES!"

Sirius and Remus were already backtracking, beside her almost immediately as she tugged James up, ignoring his involuntary groans. Benjy stood in front of the group, throwing up a shield that made the air vibrate.

"GET HIM UP, GET HIM UP, NOW," he roared while James thundered over him:

"I'M FINE, I'M FINE, JUST NICKED ME, KEEP GOING!"

A rage, fizzing and spitting, consumed her, and she found herself shouting curses, wand flying. They were trying to kill her - they were trying to kill James - who exactly did they think they were, these people with their stupid masks and stupid prejudices and she was bloody well going to teach them all a lesson they wouldn't forget in a hurry, dammit -

She sliced her wand through the air and two robed figures flew backwards. Another slice, and another one was forced to stop to beat out the flames licking up from his sleeve to his hood. Remus hauled James up, who instantly wrapped an arm around Lily's waist and pulled her forward. Doubled over at the middle, she wheezed, pummeling his arm in vain.

"Put me down, PUT ME DOWN, you idiot!"

"Not a chance, firecracker," he said with a kind of awe as he ran with her stumbling backwards to keep up. "We've got bigger fish to fry."

"I said, _put me down, _James Potter!" she shrieked, spitting hair out of her face. Her teeth clattered together as she was jostled toward the Portkey, the glow of which basked the scene with a blue, pulsating light. "I'm going to KILL THEM ALL - "

"My Lord?" she heard one of the Death Eaters cry. There was an implosion of the air, a kind of whoosh that made her head pop. James skidded to a stop, releasing Lily to clamp his hands over his ears. There was a curious moment of calm in which no one, not the Order, not the Death Eaters, dared to even breathe. Then the night exploded into a million pieces.

Lily dove to the ground, arms protecting her neck. The earth rocked beneath her, and she heard Sirius begin to yell something she couldn't make it; it felt as if her ears had been stuffed with cotton.

She staggered to her feet, unsteady, her vision swimming in front of her nauseatingly. James caught her hand and dragged her toward the Portkey. The world was a muffled, watery hum, one pulsing with booms that seemed distant, underground.

James was shouting something at her as he all but yanked her arm out of her socket in his desperation to get away. She could see the silhouettes of Remus, Sirius, and Benjy at the Portkey, shooting spells madly. Her ears suddenly popped, and a roar of sound rushed at her.

" - HIM, IT'S VOLDEMORT, YOU'VE GOT TO RUN, LILY, DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU'VE GOT TO - "

Another explosion shook the earth, and she could hear now a high, cold voice shrieking orders:

"Get them, you fools!"

The light of the Portkey began to throb faster, picking up speed as they neared it. James lunged toward it, taking Lily with him; they landed inches away.

"Hurry!" Benjy snapped. His feet shifted in front of hers, panicked and angry. A figure loomed suddenly in front of them, materializing from the blackness around it.

"How disappointing," a white, snake-like face sneered, red eyes filled with contempt. Four hands clamped onto the Portkey as Lord Voldemort raised his wand, James' hand tight around Lily's. Her navel jerked, and they spun away as Voldemort's wand came down with a detonation that left a crater in the field.

All five hit the floor of Dedalus Diggle's kitchen face first, groaning and shaking. Sirius leapt up first, eyes wild, Remus using his arm to lurch upright, white as a sheet. Benjy followed after a moment, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "babysitting" and "nearly killed." James and Lily lay on the floor for awhile, listening to Dedalus rush into the kitchen, where he promptly dropped his mug of tea, shattering it into a million pieces. One shard spun to a stop directly in front of Lily's nose and she stared at it, not daring to move.

"Was that…?" Lily asked in a low voice under Dedalus' fussing.

"I think it was," James replied, glasses askew. She pressed her forehead into the cool tile, entire body thrumming with unused energy, but, strangely, she could not summon the will to get up.

"Faced Voldemort on our third go," James said with a shaky whistle. He laughed, a bit hysterical, and the sound was so funny that she couldn't help but laugh, too. "Not bad for a couple of rookies," he declared with a kind of uncertain bravado. She looked at him. He looked back. As if struck by the same idea, they got to their knees at the same time, hugging each other tight, tighter, tightest.

"Marry me?" he asked breathlessly. She could feel his heart pounding against her chest. She grinned, put her hands on either side of his face, and planted a proper kiss on his mouth.

"Absolutely," she whispered, and they sat on the floor of Benjy Fenwick's kitchen amongst the shards of glass and laughed with the sheer joy of being alive.


	2. Closer

my, my, aren't i productive as of late? :D

XXX

The street was in shambles, buildings collapsing, rubble still falling, electrical wires spitting and leaping as if enraged. Lily searched the street for signs of life, trying to tamp down the growing panic tight in her chest.

"James?" she called tentatively. Her voice echoed eerily in the empty street. "Sirius? Remus? Alice?" She stumbled to her feet, ignoring the stab of pain from her leg. "James!" Tears were threatening. No. No, no, no, she had to remain calm, she had to assess the situation clearly. The danger wasn't over yet.

Somewhere, someone groaned. Lily's heart leapt to her throat.

"Hello?" she asked, and received, after a breathless moment, another groan. "Where are you?" Rubble shifted nearby, and she could see a foot protruding from behind a slab of twisted metal. She ran to shove it off, revealing an almost unrecognizable Remus.

"Lily?" he croaked, and oddly, Lily felt like an invisible bystander, watching herself wipe his face with a cloth, attempting to heal his broken arm, to stop the blood bubbling from the gaping wound on his leg.

"Remus!" she pleaded, but he was rapidly losing consciousness. "Remus, you have to stay with me, do you understand? You have to stay awake!" His eyes slipped closed. She cupped his face, terrified. "Remus!"

"Should've..." he murmured before his head slumped.

"_Remus_!" Lily shouted, face inches from his, but he would not respond, no matter how hard she shook him or how loudly she wailed.

"Lily? Lily, is that you?" Lily whipped around, wand at the ready. A figure staggered out of the smoke. She stood shakily, reaching out to it.

"James, help - "

"Is Remus hurt?" Lily felt her face crumple.

"I tried - "

James pushed past her to fall to his knees by his friend while Lily wrestled her emotions under control, instead focusing on protecting James and Remus, keeping watch. A crackle of rocks.

"So this is Dumbledore's grand Order of the Phoenix," came a voice from the ash, and shadows morphed into beings around them. Two of the shadows held wands at the throats of a man and woman. Lily felt her stomach drop: they were Sirius and Alice. "Or what's left of it, I suppose." Voldemort smiled, red eyes luminous in the twilight.

"Remus!" Sirius shouted from where he was held hostage. "No - " A jab from his captor's wand and he was silent. Alice did not appear to be conscious. Her face was tearstreaked but jarringly serene considering the circumstances.

"You have fought bravely," Voldemort said dispassionately, as if the outburst had not occurred. "Surrender now, or watch your friends die." Lily darted a glance at James, trying to sidle towards him as inconspicuously as possible. He seemed not to have heard Voldemort, instead feverishly muttering incantations over Remus' prostrated form. Voldemort viewed him, mouth thinning.

"Remove their wands."

Two Death Eater stepped forward, walking towards James and Lily with a sense of an oncoming train, filling Lily with a blinding panic as she had never known before. James looked up, saw the Death Eaters. He stood with his wand at the ready - _no_ - and suddenly a spell shot from the crowd, hitting him squarely in the chest. Lily screamed as he collapsed. Without thinking about it, she threw up a shield and another spell bounced harmlessly off. Heart pounding, she moved carefully to stand directly in front of James and Remus, blocking Voldemort's view of them.

"James?" she whispered out of the corner of her mouth, but he didn't respond. She swallowed, forcing herself to focus, to think, keeping her sight trained on the shield which might be broken whenever Voldemort decided to unleash his followers. But instead he surveyed her from the other side of the barrier, one hand raised to still his Death Eaters, who were shifting and rustling, eager to fight.

A quiet groan. James was alive.

_Please wake up, James, please, please, don't leave me. _A dull howling ran races around her head, and it was with no small effort that she raised her wand, locking eyes with Voldemort. She was going to die. They were all going to die. But she was going to die standing up, protecting those she loved.

"You, girl," Voldemort, face impassive. "What is your name?"

"Lily Evans," she answered, voice steady by some miracle. Voldemort appraised her, head cocked slightly.

"Evans," he repeated slowly. "That is not a pureblood name." Fire flooded her veins.

"You're damn well right it's not, you bastard!" she yelled, sparks shooting out of her wand. The Death Eaters whispered and muttered angrily, undulating like murky water. Voldemort, however, laughed. Lily felt as if she were going to be sick.

"Not a pureblood, no. But brave, yes. Very brave, to address Lord Voldemort so." His eyes narrowed. "You could be of great use to me...perhaps." Lily froze. The Death Eaters, too, seemed confused.

"I'm a _mudblood_," she enunciated over their hissing. "So I don't think so, no." Voldemort spread his arms wide, eyebrows raised.

"Lily Evans, you are being given a chance to save your friends and yourself," he said in a voice that echoed. "I would not treat it so lightly. Lord Voldemort has been known to make exceptions for those few mudbloods who prove that their blood is not so frail as their brothers' and sisters'. Good and evil are relative terms," he said, red eyes glinting. "Only power exists, and those too weak to seek it out, to take it." He paused, pinning her with his gaze. "Will you take it?"

Lily pressed her lips together, hand tightening and slackening around her wand. She watched James out of the corner of her eye. He still was not moving.

"I said, will you take it, girl?"

_One, two, three._

She released her grip on the shield, firing an explosive spell straight into the Death Eaters, using the whirling dust and fire to drag James and Remus behind an overturned car, sobbing with the effort.

"Kill them!" she could hear Voldemort screaming. "Kill them all!"

Here was the last stand every hero had, here was the going out with a bang, here was every noble death in the heat of battle, but no one had ever told her about the spells whizzing overhead, about the rubble that scratched her skin and the grit that blinded her. No one had ever told her about the loved ones she was about to leave. She tore her eyes away from James and Remus with a prayer to anyone listening to keep them safe, and ran into the fray.

She could see nothing - her spell had caused another building to collapse, and the world was a white, powdery hell, lit by streaks of light.

_I'm going to die I'm going to die I'm going to die_

A figure loomed in front of her suddenly, and she whipped her wand.

"Lily - no - " choked Marlene McKinnon and Lily shrieked, retracting the jinx.

"You're - "

" - back-up, we're here, get the injured out, Mad-Eye is on his way," Marlene panted, wincing as she straightened. She shot a spell over Lily's shoulder, and someone roared with pain.

"But - "

"GO!" another, deeper voice boomed. Mad-Eye, cloak swirling, eye whirring, wand ablaze appeared out of the chaos. Lily hesitated, then obeyed. _James, Remus, Sirius, Alice._

She was running at full speed, dodging and deflecting curses, when her foot caught on something, and she went flying. Spitting hair out of her mouth, she scrambled to her feet, but froze as someone groaned.

"Help me up, Evans, I think I can walk - "

Sirius was struggling to stand, panting heavily and wheezing. Lily ducked under his arm, giving him the full support of her body. He groaned again.

"I'm fine, now, just a few bruised ribs - _let me at them_ - "

"Not bloody likely," Lily gasped, buckling under his weight. She closed her eyes, thinking of James' apartment with all her might, and, with a _pop_, she was there, Sirius still sagging onto her.

He sank the floor immediately, white-faced with pain.

"Stay here," she ordered. "I'll be back." And she Apparated back to the battle.

She landed on her back, narrowly missing a streak of light. She kept her head down, crawling through the debris, feeling with her hands what her eyes could not see. Her fingers met skin. Skin with a mask -

"_Stupefy_!" she shouted, and the body she was touching slackened. She continued on, one hand spread as wide as it could, trying to ignore the puddles of warm liquid that could not, simply _could not_, be blood.

"_Lumos_," she whispered, and a dull, flickering light cut through the clouds of dust.

Someone fell in front of her, unconscious or dead, she couldn't tell, much less whether or not they were friend or foe. Shards of glass imbedded themselves in her palms and knees, and gravel pushed them in further, yet still she dragged herself forward.

"James!" she called, voice cracking. "Remus! Alice!" Her hand met another, which gave hers a faint squeeze.

"Lily?" Alice managed, choking. A trickle of blood ran out of the corner of her mouth, and her eyes were closed.

"Oh, you're up now?" Lily asked, determined not to give in to the suffocating despair that threatened to drain all strength from her body. "Good - grab on to me - one, two - " They Disapparated, landing in James' living room, where Sirius was still attempting to stand and failing miserably. Lily laid Alice on the couch, where she promptly passed out again.

"Are they still fighting - " Sirius started, but Lily pointed at Alice imperiously.

"Get Frank - Dumbledore - anyone - " she ground out between bouts of coughing. "Stay. Here."

"Lily - " Sirius protested, using the table as a prop, but she was already whirling away, back to the heat and noise and fire.

She hit the ground again, and now it was even harder to force one hand in front of the other, to keep moving when every muscle in her body begged her to stop. But suddenly, she could see the shape of an overturned car, silhouetted like a beacon against the explosions and jets of light. A final burst of energy propelled her to the car, some keening voice pleading that James and Remus would remain there, that she had not killed them by leaving them -

"Giving them hell as usual?" came a voice that made her knees buckle with relief, and, sobbing, she threw her arms around James' very much alive body.

"I had to - I had to - "

"You did right, Lily - but we can't st - " An explosion rocked the car, the ground trembling and cracking. Lily seized a handful of James' shirt and fumbled for Remus' hand. The three disappeared, the car moaning as it came crashing down where they had been only seconds before.

They hit James' carpet, causing Sirius to yelp.

"What can I _do_, dammit - "

"Essence of Dittany," Lily wheezed where she lay face down, shaking. "Bathroom cabinet. Hurry." The world was spinning and she vaguely wondered if she was going to be sick. Someone turned her over. A face swam into view. _Edgar._

"Alice will be fine momentarily," Edgar Bones said briskly. "And we'll soon have you sorted out as well."

"No," Lily insisted, "no, I have to go back, there could be more - "

"Albus has stirctly forbidden anyone else from going back," Edgar said firmly, trickling something warm and bitter into her mouth. Lily coughed, lungs rattling. "Believe me, I'd like to jump in myself, but there's some serious damage control going on."

"Remus and James - " Lily breathed, nails digging into the carpet in an attempt to keep the room still.

"I'm right here," James' voice said from her right, and his spectacles, then his hair, then his eyes formed in front of her. "Remus will be fine - don't move - "

"You're hurt," Lily whispered, staring at his shirt, which was soaked in blood.

"I'll be fine," he replied, grin strained.

"Lay back down, Potter," Edgar said exasperatedly. A hand fumbled for hers, and she took it, squeezing tightly.

"I think we're becoming quite a match for Voldemort, don't you?" James's exhausted voice mumbled.


	3. Too Close

goodness gracious, i need to write something comic soon.

XXX

"You try my patience," Voldemort hissed. "Tell me where the Order of the Phoenix is, girl, or you will die."

"Like hell I will!" Dorcas yelled, and she spat in his face.

Voldemort was still. Slowly, delicately, he wiped the spittle off of his face and pointed his wand at

Dorcas.

A bang, and Dorcas slumped. James' brain went blank except for Dorcas' limp body. _No, no, no, no, no, no, no - _He looked at Lily, who was staring at him white-faced, eyes blazing.

"Tell us what we want to know," Voldemort continued conversationally after a pause, "or you're next." He levelled his wand at James, who felt a thrill of terror and then overwhelming fury towards this murderer of Dorcas, this evil man - no, this evil monster - who dared threaten his family -

_Do your worst, you bastard._

"No," Lily cried, something like desperation in her voice. Voldemort whirled to look at her, eyebrows raised. A ripple of whispers shuddered through the Death Eaters.

"What?"

"No - not him next," Lily continued without hesitation, voice shaking slightly. "Me." Voldemort studied her for a moment, almost curious. "Well, I'm the mudblood, aren't I?" she asked, voice vibrating now with anger. Her eyes flickered towards James, then back to Voldemort's, steady.

_No._

"Yes," he said slowly. _No, no, no, no_. "Yes, you are. And yet...Lord Voldemort would have welcomed your service. You could have saved yourself from the disgrace of your blood. I offered you pardon in exchange for your skills. You refused." He stepped forward. "There is no good, girl. There is no evil. Remember that as you die for a cause with no future, no glory."

Lily was silent. Voldemort surveyed her for a moment more, then flicked his red eyes to James.

James began to struggle violently, willing the spell holding him to snap, but it did not give an inch. Voldemort smiled then, waving a long-fingered hand. Lily was cut down by a panting Bellatrix and thrown to the floor. _NO, NO, NO, NO, NO._

She watched him from the floor, face blank. Voldemort circled her, then, without preamble, flicked his wand.

And suddenly Lily was screaming, writhing as he had never seen before, as he had never imagined a human being could. She gasped, choking, as Voldemort lazily relaxed his arm. There was a half-second of dead silence, then the wand was cracked like a whip and Lily was screaming again, louder and more horrible than before.

"Tell me, girl."

"I DON'T - I DON'T - _PLEASE_!"

"_Please_!" Bellatrix shrieked, laughing wildly.

"_PLEASE_!" Voldemort lowered his wand. Lily's howl was cut off with a small cry.

"Are you ready to tell Lord Voldemort now?" he asked, looking down at her dispassionately, but

Lily refused to even glance at him, instead focusing on James, face and body taut. "No? We'll try again." He whipped his wand mercilessly.

Lily begged and pleaded and shrieked and cried until her voice was raw and tears streaked down her face, yet still she did not break. And all the while James could do nothing, could not break free, could not scream with her, only catch and hold her eyes and somehow try to transfer her pain to him, to lessen it, but most of all, to let her know that he loved her so much, so much, so much.

Lily laughing, Lily arguing, Lily blushing, never Lily shaking on the ground, back arched, veins popping, hands twisted.

At last, Voldemort ceased, mouth twisted. Lily closed her eyes then burrowed into herself, breathing raggedly. _Don't give up, don't give up, no, no, no, no. _She looked back up for a moment with eyes whose blood vessels had burst, turning them as red as Voldemort's - _I'm so sorry _- then they rolled back into her head and she slumped. Voldemort stepped over her and if James could have ripped him limb from limb, he would've. There was a soft hiss from the Death Eaters.

Voldemort's eyes snapped to him.

"Oh, yes, yes, I had forgotten," he whispered, head tilted to the side. "You love this thing, don't you?" James squeezed his eyes shut, but he could not block out the sound of Voldemort's voice. Even whispering, it carried through the deafening silence like a shout. "You are brave. And a pureblood...never forget that." A pause. "You would be a powerful commander, James..." James' eyes snapped open, and, through a glaze of unshed tears of frustration and fury and helplessness, he very deliberately shook his head. An intake of breath from the crowd.

Voldemort's eyes widened ever so slightly.

"No?"

James shook his head more vehemently, meeting Voldemort's powerful gaze with one of his own.

"Think James," he said quietly, stepping forward so that they were nose to nose. "To purify the Wizarding World, claim our rightful place of dominance...endless riches, if you serve Lord Voldemort faithfully..." He paused, searching James' eyes, his own inscrutable. "You may even keep your pet for amusement, if you wish." He stepped back, allowing James to see Lily, still on the ground. James filled his eyes with her, chest tight.

Then he shook his head once more.

Voldemort's eyes narrowed.

"Very well," he said flatly, and he swung his wand to point at Lily without breaking eye contact with James.

"This was your choice."

_Lily, Lily, I'm so sorry._

"_Avada Kedav_ - !"

"PROTEGO!" roared a voice, as another simultaneously yelled, "REDUCTO!" Voldemort was thrown back.

"You," he hissed as the Order of the Phoenix stormed the room, led by Dumbledore, his blue eyes burning and an aura of awesome power radiating from him like heat. The Death Eaters reacted instantaneously and suddenly all was confusion and noise and flashes of light.

"James - James, mate, are you all right?" Sirius gasped, suddenly at his side. He jabbed his wand at James and suddenly James could move, could speak. He took a step forward only to find that his legs wouldn't support him. He sagged, Sirius catching him before he could hit the ground.

"Sirius - Lily - "

"I know, James, I know, but we have got to get out of here, do you understand?" Remus said over the din from James' other side, helping Sirius steady him. "You get Lily. I'll-I'll get Dorcas," he said quickly, face strained.

"C'mon, c'mon, mate," Sirius muttered in his ear, all but dragging James to where Lily lay, unmoving.

"D'you think you can Apparate - no, stupid question, we'll go Side-by-Side, straight to St. Mungo's, all right?" James fell to his knees, ignoring curses that skimmed past him, grazing him. He scooped Lily up; she was unconscious and didn't appear to be breathing.

"Lily?" he cried, hands fumbling for a pulse.

"There's no time, James!" Sirius shouted, grabbing him. "We have to go - hold on, now - one, two - " An explosion rocked the room and debris flew everywhere, cutting Sirius' temple, nicking Lily's cheek. Sirius skipped "three" and with the horrible sensation of being forced through a tube, they were gone, Voldemort's scream of rage mingling with the sounds of battle behind them.

James hit the street hard, face scraping the gravel. He looked up and saw the entrance to St. Mungo's - the little shop with the badly dressed dummies - and scrambled to his feet. Lily was sprawled across Sirius, who was wincing as he pushed them both up. James heaved Lily into his arms with strength he did not know he had while Sirius yelled for the magical dummy to let them in. The dummy crooked its finger and James hurtled through the window and into the waiting room.

"SOMEBODY HELP HER!" he bellowed, ignoring cries of shock and fear at his disheveled appearance. Several Healers who had frozen at his entrance sprang into action, pulling Lily from his arms and conjuring a magical stretcher to carry her off. James followed them at a stumbling jog, shoving past unwitting visitors and patients in his desperation to stay with Lily.

"Sir - sir, you can't - "

"I have to stay with her - you don't understand, she's my wife- "

"Sir - SIR!"

"Get your hands off me - LILY! LILY!"

It took five Healers and the threat of a Stunning Spell to subdue James, who struggled violently against all attempts to separate him from Lily.

"Listen to me, Mr. Potter - listen to me!" snapped a frazzled Healer, her glasses askew. "There is nothing you can do for her right now! But you will disrupt very delicate spells if you continue behaving in this manner and that will cost your wife her life, do you understand me?" James froze, all the blood draining from his face. "I said, _do you understand me_?"

"Yes," he managed, knees threatening to give out on him. The Healer sighed, frustrated.

"You may stay out here, but you are to go no further," she ordered, but her tight mouth seemed to soften slightly at the look on James' face. "There is a bench just around the corner. If you wait there, I will bring you updates on her condition as often as I can." She nodded to the Healers, who released James with some degree of hesitancy. "You," she said sharply to Sirius. "Watch him."

Sirius nodded, grabbing James' shoulders and steering him to the bench the Healer had mentioned.

"There you go," Sirius muttered, sitting James down. James obeyed without question. He didn't feel as if he could stand anymore as it was.

He didn't know how long he sat on the bench, staring at the floor without seeing it. He wasn't aware of Sirius muttering vague comforts, nor his friends' impatient foot jiggling, nor, in fact, of anything but exhaustion and a sick feeling in his stomach that ached persistently. Occasionally, an orderly or Healer would ask if he needed medical attention, but he refused time after time until, eventually, they stopped coming by.

It had been some time when Remus hurtled down the hall, Peter at his heels.

"Is she - ?"

"Have they - ?"

Sirius, who had stood up at the arrival of his two friends, shook his head. Remus sat down next to James, who had not moved except to place his head in his hands. Peter sat on Remus' other side.

"We got away," he said grimly. "Just barely, but we got away."

"Did anyone else - ?"

"Gideon," Remus answered dully. He had a gash across his neck that was still oozing blood. "And

Fabian. Mad-Eye's going to try to get the bodies, but..." He trailed off, mouth tight. "Molly's a wreck."

"You-Know-Who?" Sirius asked quietly, eyes on the back of James' slumped head.

"Escaped."

"And the Death Eaters?"

"Escaped."

"_All _of them?"

"Yes. We're lucky we only lost three as it is."

Sirius blew air through his nose, hard and frustrated, his eyes bright. He stared at the wall intently and angrily, entire body tense.

"How is, erm...?" Peter asked in a whisper, flicking his eyes to James then back up.

"Complete mess, thanks," James' muffled, hoarse voice replied. He shifted slightly while his friends shot looks at one another.

"She's going to be okay," Sirius ventured tentatively and James sighed unevenly.

"You don't know that," he whispered. Remus squared his shoulders.

"Well, you don't know that she's not," he said firmly. "She's not exactly what you would call _fragile_, James."

"She's not," Peter pitched in.

"And she'd kick the arse of anyone who said she was," Sirius added bracingly, though his eyes betrayed the worry gnawing away inside of him. "Including you, mate."

"_Especially _you," Remus finished. James was silent for a long while.

"If she...," he managed in a low voice, but he was unable to go on. Remus closed his eyes, the lines of his face perhaps a bit deeper. Sirius stared at the wall again. Peter shifted uncomfortably for a moment, then spoke up.

"I'm sorry, but - well, I have to go," he said apologetically, standing up. "I've got to go back - help with the others, patrol, you know. Please - Patronus me if anything - if anything changes."

Everyone murmured half-hearted good-byes and Peter left, leaving Remus, Sirius, and James to their silent vigil.

"Duty tonight," Sirius said after a good hour had passed. "Of all nights." Remus shrugged and James remained silent. He hadn't moved since Peter left. Abruptly, the sound of heels with a destination reached their ears. James shot up onto his feet, face pale but resolute. Remus and Sirius looked at each other, wary and more frightened than either wished James to know. Lily was not, nor had she ever been, just James' girlfriend, and then, later, just James' wife. She had proved herself part of their circle of friends time and time again, and if she was hurt or if she was...well, it would hit all of them hard.

The Healer rounded the corner, looking even more frazzled and sleep-deprived than she had before.

"Sit," she said shortly when she saw the three men at the ready. Remus and Sirius made to obey, but James did not move, and so they stood with him. The Healer looked at him with an odd expression on her face.

"She's out of danger," she said with a nod to him. "And I daresay it would do you both good if you wanted to go in and sit with her for awhile, Mr. Potter. She might still be awake, she might not.

She's had a lot of magic thrown at her at once and that drains the body quite a bit. But I don't think there will be any permanent damage." James swayed slightly. Sirius clapped him bracingly on the shoulder, while Remus grinned, relief emanating from him like a glow.

"I can see her?" James asked and the Healer nodded with a tired smile.

"For a bit, and try not to upset her - she's still extremely weak and a relapse is not impossible, especially with the - " the Healer said quickly, but the rest of her speech was lost for James had set off at a determined pace to Lily's room, leaving Remus and Sirius to smile wearily at each other.

He paused in the doorway to Lily's room, unable to move his legs. She was so very still and pale, even against the white sheets, and she looked so small. Her hair was like a slap to the eyes, the only color in a washed out world.

He sat down in a chair next to her bed, taking her hand, which was shockingly cold. Her chest rose and fell regularly and he found himself hypnotized by this proof that she really was alive. She stirred slightly, frowning. Her eyes blinked open, and they made a quick assessment of the room before they found James.

Lily smiled.

"Hey," she whispered. A lump rose in James' throat. He swallowed hard.

"Hey."

"Did we get them, James?"

James sighed, throat working.

"No, love, we didn't."

Lily's face fell. James took a breath.

"Don't ever do that again," he said, very quietly and controlled. "Don't ever, ever do that again. I'm not worth that, Lily." Lily's face assumed that oh-so-familiar look she always got whenever she decided to dig her heels in. It was jarringly out of place in a hospital bed.

"James."

"Promise me." Lily closed her eyes, tightening her mouth.

"If I promise you, then you have to promise me something, too," she said at last, eyes still closed. James felt a flood of relief; he hadn't thought she'd agree. He waited. "Promise me," Lily continued, opening her eyes, "that you will never do that for me." His answer had left his lips before he had time to think:

"Absolutely not."

Lily smiled sadly.

"Then why do you think I could promise you that either?" she asked, trying to sit up, but she winced, falling back into the pillows. "Ow," she said in a voice that was barely audible, shocked.

"Careful," James warned her, automatically squeezing her hand. And horribly, without warning, he knew that he couldn't protect Lily. He could try. He could try his hardest. But sometimes it wouldn't be enough. It wasn't just going to be this time, he realized. This was forever, or at least the forever of the conceivable future. He would fail her, maybe not often, but he would still fail her. He swallowed hard again, trying to force the lump in his throat down, but instead it began to burn, and then so did his nose, and then so did his eyes, and then he was sitting next to Lily's bed, tears streaming down his face, looking down at the person he would do anything for - and knew that this was still not enough.

He bowed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose with his hand.

"James," Lily said weakly, reaching a tremulous arm up to touch his head. He shook his head wordlessly, lips pressed together tightly. "James, it'll be fine." James shook his head again and Lily gently stroked his hair. "Well, maybe not fine. But James, we'll make it." She touched his cheek lightly, and he caught her hand and held it there, feeling so very, very lost. He looked back up at her, and her eyes were sparkling with tears, too.

"James," she whispered, mouth trembling. "James, I'm pregnant." James froze, staring at her. Lily took a breath. "This isn't the way I wanted to tell you at all," she said with a shaky smile. "But I am, James." She laughed, tears spilling down her cheeks. "We're going to have a baby."

"And - and it's okay? You-Know-Who - he didn't - ?" James asked, his lips barely moving. Lily nodded.

"A survivor already."

"But - when - ?"

"I didn't know, I only just found out - they mentioned something about it when I woke up, they assumed I knew. I would never have - I know it isn't a great time - " she started, but James cut her off with a kiss.

"It's wonderful," he said fiercely, cupping her face in both hands. Lily laughed again, or sobbed; he couldn't tell. "It's brilliant, Lily."

"What are we going to do?" she asked him, dark shadows under her eyes suddenly very prominent.

"We're going to have a baby," James said with conviction. "We're going to have a baby, and-and you're going to be the best mum in the world, and he's going to be the greatest Quidditch player England's ever seen and he'll be a Gryffindor and we'll - we'll - " He stopped, unable to go on.

"He?" Lily repeated after a beat. "How do you know she's a he? What if she's a she?" James wiped a tear away from her cheek with his thumb. He answered honestly, despite her flippant question.

"I will love him - or her - with all my heart."

Lily smiled at him, and he ached. She looked exhausted.

"I love you, James."

"I love you, too, Lily."

Lily shifted, eyes closing.

"I don't think I can stay awake much longer." James settled back into the chair, keeping hold of her hand.

"I'll stay here until you're asleep. Just see if that pushy old Healer can stop me."

"Try not to bully her too much, won't you?" Lily murmured, already half asleep, her free hand drifting almost unconsciously to her stomach. Her hand squeezed his impulsively. "Stay. Even after I'm asleep, please. Don't leave." He squeezed back, and she seemed to take this as a yes, for within minutes, her breathing had slowed and her face had smoothed.

_I won't_, James thought, watching his wife sleep. _I won't leave either of you._

And he knew that this baby was just as in danger as Lily and he knew that there would be many funerals to go to and he knew that Lily would take a long time to heal, but somehow, the idea of an entirely new person entering the world lessened his fear. He was terrified, of course, at the idea of being in charge of a small human being, but, sitting at his wife's hospital bed, he thought to himself that another bit of Lily could not be a bad thing. He couldn't protect Lily, perhaps, but he had a chance to shield this baby, to make sure that he (or she, he thought with an almost-smile) grew up in a world he would fight to make sure was a good world to grow up in.

The Healer returned to find her patient and her husband asleep. She supposed the wife had told him about the baby - Mr. Potter had run off before she'd had a chance to give him a head's up. She went over to wake him - his visiting time was up - but she stopped at the sight of their hands linking them together, even in sleep.

_Well, _she thought after a beat, _they aren't hurting anyone._ She pulled a spare blanket out of the supply cabinet and covered the black-haired man with it, taking off his glasses, folding them neatly, and placing them on Mrs. Potter's bedside table. She checked on the other patients, straightening sheets and adjusting instruments, then turned to leave. She glanced back one last time at the young couple, her heart giving a little pang. _Let them sleep while they can, _she thought, and left quietly.


End file.
